edgy feeling
This edgy feeling is worst enemy of mine.It might be the excessive error signals generated in OCD,which I suspect that I do suffer from.I have a constant feeling of being unwell.I think and still thinking that I am doin something wrong,or whatever I m doin is not sufficient.This feeling, for sure itself is performance inhibitor.However,it may be right also.The situation I m in, can be termed as poor performance,if not professional disaster.What is the source of it,or whether it is the wooden base upon which my destiny is etched,is hazy.However,I feel good and relieved for sometime, if I involve myself with something interesting like playing table-tennis,composing a poem or speaking to someone closer.
The visit of sachin brought back many memories.Once again my life is unsettled and I am feeling like I am in deep crisis.The emotional upheavels and expensive interactions which ate upon my self-control which was gathered after a long practice and monitoring is suddenly ripped apart.It might be the effect of alcohol also.I drank incessantly during those two days.I was likely to face disaster as one day of bad performance adds upon another.I wish I shall not invite anyone before I would achieve my short-term goal of finding a job with good salary and better learning environment.I need to reach on a conclusion on future direction of effort.Its very unlikely that I would get anything I wish.I am lacking persverance and patience to accomplish any task.At least I can make my life tolerable to myself.Leave apart others.My employability is still lower than average.I am giving up too soon.I dont want to improve a lot.I just want a life where I can be at peace inside and with surroundings.A thought process which have the respect for myself and others and not much of desperation.I always wonder how I let things move out of control.Still I let them be so.More often than I ask why.
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