2007:year of surprises

If something happens twice,it is likely to repeat itself again and again.Taking this assumption,life around me gonna be full of surprises this year.Rakesh bhaiya’s daughter,then news of Fatti’s forthcoming marriage,Tyagi’s sister’s engagement and Anamika’s and Vishwambhar quick marriage were things likely to happen.Surprise element is the prematurity of these happenings.Gosh! if I can lazily call these “pleasent” and assume this trend to follow with my own life,what more could be more exciting?However,I dont want the marriage to come prematurely to me.I want it to be in terms of financial freedom.I lost my driving license.Someday,I can loose my passport also(If I would get to make one).I think I will buy a big Wallet,big enough to accomodate things like driving license and passport.

edgy feeling

This edgy feeling is worst enemy of mine.It might be the excessive error signals generated in OCD,which I suspect that I do suffer from.I have a constant feeling of being unwell.I think and still thinking that I am doin something wrong,or whatever I m doin is not sufficient.This feeling, for sure itself is performance inhibitor.However,it may be right also.The situation I m in, can be termed as poor performance,if not professional disaster.What is the source of it,or whether it is the wooden base upon which my destiny is etched,is hazy.However,I feel good and relieved for sometime, if I involve myself with something interesting like playing table-tennis,composing a poem or speaking to someone closer.
The visit of sachin brought back many memories.Once again my life is unsettled and I am feeling like I am in deep crisis.The emotional upheavels and expensive interactions which ate upon my self-control which was gathered after a long practice and monitoring is suddenly ripped apart.It might be the effect of alcohol also.I drank incessantly during those two days.I was likely to face disaster as one day of bad performance adds upon another.I wish I shall not invite anyone before I would achieve my short-term goal of finding a job with good salary and better learning environment.I need to reach on a conclusion on future direction of effort.Its very unlikely that I would get anything I wish.I am lacking persverance and patience to accomplish any task.At least I can make my life tolerable to myself.Leave apart others.My employability is still lower than average.I am giving up too soon.I dont want to improve a lot.I just want a life where I can be at peace inside and with surroundings.A thought process which have the respect for myself and others and not much of desperation.I always wonder how I let things move out of control.Still I let them be so.More often than I ask why.

Posted by Ernesto at 6:36 AM 0 comments  

 

ok..let it be

conclusions trying to take over each other.Which will take a upper hand is suspense.The result gonna be immaterial.How to take control of my life?Little less of imagination and little more of action.The process of self-motivation has become a joke because the energy it creates inside is purged by imagination.What I am doin is wrong.What I try to do to prevent that is not substantial.However the thought process proceeding former and preceding later is like big air filled baloon.Lots of volume but no mass.Then there is self abuse.Gosh! why I am living.Cant it be for a moment,When I can be proud and content of myself?
Four cigarettes with no morning cigarette.
Lots of sleep,but fresh through out the day..
Intangible achievements..
And a resolve in charming words.

to take control of my own life.

lets see,
what another day has in store for me.

On the way of true Netizenship.

Goin thru the attention seeking process of profile making can take you away from the edgy feelings.Tasks like these are therapuetic.They can get u off from unpleasent moods.Well,the day started with waking up late by one hour.One cigarette,no bath and cursory reading to newspaper.I feel the day I will buy a laptop,I would stop subscribing for newspaper and writing stationories.However,I can write blogs and read newspaper in late hours of office also.A friend suggested to do multitasking e.g. speaking on phone and doing some boring work like mailing updates of work assigned.I think that was a good suggestion.Again as usual I am avoiding debugging which is disappointing.(;) though i got used to it.The so-understood colleague of mine is not that much of a bond.Probably I am giving away premature judgement.I think I will use meebo proxy from now onwards for limited period of time.

Time to leave.

bbye

 

Write anewaz

I have been avoiding writing since a long time.Thought, I would write if anything which can be loosely called as breakthrough will appear in proximity.Moreover,there is self-conscious notion that I am not a good writer.This feeling is an original one or, just one among the several layers of thoughts covering the dormant nature is still elusive.Well,I dont think I am such an skilled writer, who can put magic in day-today trivias.Still, its important to write,even what I am attempting to communicate may not reach in full meaning to, whoever is following my blog(Well, I do not have false notion that anyone will be following it,nor do I wish it solemnly,just felt like having the luxury of indirectly calling myself a popular blogwriter).Since,I am in no mood of being philosophical or judgemental in which, I m kinda gifted phenomenon,I would try to put things honestly in most positive way.

Imaginatory life is under control.Thats really is a good sign.Even better than my peak days of JEE preperation.There was a panicky situation,driven into direction of goal achievement.Now I have a whole life to take as a target.Everyday,I am getting closer to reality.The growth, if i would count, has been tremendous in past two months.I have rediscovered some age-old techniques of keeping my mind peaceful like walking strainght and slow and believe me its really working.If you have an habit of limping(read stooping,if its offensive) while walking. If you walk real fast,then you would definetely be thinking like a rocket engine.
Hold on,look straight and see the world around,you would feel better.

Well,Depression is something everyone faces.I dont know where to place myself in the scale of 1 to 10, but its for sure that it hurts as long as you dont know how to live peacefully with it.Its true with almost all human traits.Somewhere u have to establish ceasefire with yourself.It can either of hardware or software problem.when god builds your hardaware and set you loose,he makes some deliberate mistakes,to make you suffer because of your previous karmas.If you are not very pleased with the idea of subjective idealism(read god).Its better to put it following way.Its when your mind and nervous system take shape in the production line,there are few defects, which got shipped with the final products comprising of millions of parts which works perfectly in tandem of each other(In sync with six sigma;)).For getting rid of the defected parts,go and get yourself admitted in mental hospital, and let the doctors change your neural pathway by whatever trick,be it counselling,electric shocks or brain surgery.

             Software fix is just lazily try to become less opinionated.It might not work for you,may be coz ,the feeling which is brought to me by the word ‘opinionated’ is something different than what it would do inside you.Dude! I was talking about my present days and i began to supply tips like an 60 year old, well suffered and respected conseller.Hold on dude….

Yeah! I am more closer to my family than i used to be.It took me a whole lot of 24 years for beginning to appreciate, of what dad has built almost from scratch.I had an habit of producing quick judgements.By default ,it used to be always crticism first and appreciation later.Which might be good while appearing in some mediocre multiple choice test,but this can screw your life before you realize,as once and many times, it has screwed mine.Thank god, I am still alive and kicking.

So, now its time to come down to my running days.
Its quite a change to see myself working the way,being told.I am yet to receive the feedback,but I am sure it could only be better than worse.I was becoming an orgazational case study of a wrong recruitment who,though weird, actually has career plans with the software industry,if not the company.I have made few friends with whom i love to go for lunch,crack jokes,pass comments and make faces along with all those stupid activities i keep on doing half-consciosly.Ashok is a nice person.My initial judgement about him was wrong.I just could not communicate with situation.Nor did he.Then there is always a fixation of north indian and south indian in corresponding minds.Now I am learning faster and more effectively.All ambitious plans are stalled as of now.Time is simply not to afford the luxury of tasting various things.

My social life is very limited to family and few unavoidable friends.I have never been very social kind of person.May be because i am not good at spending time in community.But,I am enjoying having limited interactions with society.Its important to value relationship,and for that you need to make not more than you can handle.One(shit preaching again! I mean people like me) shall not be too greedy in multiplying their acquaintances .Logic is,with people my mind is not at peace.So the communication that comes from them is not understood with real meaning.While when you read a book or watch a movie then you have enough time to understand and build your opinions.It defintely doesn’t mean that i get pissed off among people.I simply cant stand social meetings or conversations too long.I need sometime to adjust my thoughts….

Enough for today

Gud nite.

 

 

downer

there is no one i can blame,nor do i want to..all the forces in and around are pushing me in an unknown direction,which is not very celebrated..why these forces and why this resultant..obviously there is no purpose of one’s nervous breakdown..i m not generating anything,just letting the situation flow through me, i ain’t in any power-game..all i want is nothing,and i love to see the change around ..why should there be some adjustments prompted by the mere cause of survival..if my survival is destined by forces then,who can bend me?..but i m breaking,thats exactly what is happening,,i am slowly falling in pieces,…why bother?..coz there is pride involved?why living?coz there is pride involved..but why slacking..coz that pride is infected ,its not pure…i am succumbing to forces..why?coz i dont want to leave my mark..i dont want to feed in even a bit extra than to salvage my pride..why bother about purpose..if no one is consciuos about it..why should i?.everyone is confirming his slavery by trying more and more for freedom..the forces will bend everyone..time is just not ripe..life is insignificant,all of us know ,just needed to look at it from a large distnace..even then,we are so consumed in our affairs,we are so much involved in our primitive instincts..it hurts me,it frustrates me,which is another primitive instinct..it seems we all are obeying the code,and some people think they are changing it but that change and that desire to change is also coded..i dont want to believe that someone has written that for us to follow…but anyhow,we are enslaved by the factors dealing with our own existence and surroundings..there is very little left to our will powers to rule the life the way we want..our wants and desires are also predetermined..a giant system i need which can predict accurately what is gonna happen with the scheme of things currently running..why?coz i want to guarentee my influence ..i wud definitely not feel good if i wud realize some day that ‘this’ happened coz of ‘those’ underlying factors..i want to take full responsibilty of my deeds..but first i want that power to achieve full control over my own life..

 

Poor me

happiness takes away purpose from me.History suggests that i have been doing not much in happiest days of my life. A feeling of guilt is slowly descending on me for not been able to utilise the day aligning all the past events in order to prove the conclusion, to feed my daily dose of dejection.Sometimes i wonder that this is only me who is interested in darker side of personalities.I have discovered readymade formulae for coming out of every difficult situation in past but now hardly feel inclined to use them.

 

OCD,ADHD or Hypochondria

I was sitting on the bed in emergency ward among all those critical heart patients,wondering about futility of old age and diseased body.I relinquished myself from jumping on some conclusion. I was enjoying the high heart-beat and asynchronous surrounding. For some superficial reason i began to play snakes on my mobile.I was just about to recieve the hammering news about which i was almost sure and pretty unhappy with myself that why i m feeling so much of panic. Life has never been such a thing which i respected,even though why i m regretting the things which i did so bluntly. Then i realized that it was just curse of single-handedness i am afraid of. Doctor reproached who brought me to emergency ward. He didn’t listen to my histrionic monologue over the issue that appeared to him as a proposed trouble.He killed the man inside me while announcing that these all are symptoms of a neurological disorder. The term sounded familiar to me.